Since that relationship ended I have probably dated as many men in the past few months as I have in my life and most first dates have also been last dates. Thus far all it has done is reinforce to me why I am so picky and why I refuse to lower my standards and in fact the more dates I go on the higher I raise the bar. I posted on facebook today "I am the woman, it is not my job to be the spiritual leader." I'm tired of being the conscience in every relationship (except with Nate) I want a man who will step up and instead of trying to hold my hand to hit on me on the first date will take my hand because he wants to pray with me about where our relationship might be headed. I man that at the beginning or end of a date I can hug without him trying to shove his tongue down my throat or put his hands all over my body. A man that I can be comfortable snuggling up on the sofa to watch a movie with without him taking it as an invitation to try for more.
As a woman who fully and absolutely enjoys the physical parts of a healthy committed relationship I wonder when men will ever understand that they will get a lot more from a woman if they don't rush her. For me, if every time I give a man any level of affection I have to worry about where he is going to try to take it I get very uncomfortable and shut off completely or end the relationship. Sadly even after telling them clearly what to expect or not to expect before meeting them, that lack of respect and lack of personal discipline is why many of the first dates I have been on with "Christian" men have also been the last.
As a Christian woman who is dating "Christian" men, if I tell them I want to wait until I am engaged or better yet married to go "there" it should never be pressed or put into question, between two Christians you would think it would be an understood thing but something has happened along the way. Somehow as a society we no longer consider fornication or even adultery a sin or even unacceptable. It use to be you "made love" to someone, which of course required actually being "in love" with the person you were doing it with, now it has been reduced to sex and an expected part of dating, even before people know each others favorite colors or if they have any life threatening allergies or even their middle name or worse... their last name. It's sad that as a society we have reduced something as beautiful, fun, and fulfilling as making love to something with zero mystery, zero anticipation, and zero meaning, even sadder that so many Christians don't see that as a problem.
My mom worked nights so I stayed next door at my Grandparents, every night I listened from my bed as they read their Sunday school lesson then talked about it and prayed together. Every night I heard their little kiss goodnight and heard them tell each other how much they loved each other. I don't think my Grandfather ever left the house to head into town without kissing my Grandmother good bye and hello, and telling her he loved her. In fact his last words on earth were "I love you" as he looked at her and swirled his finger toward Heaven. He always thought of her and he let her know it, when he went to the store he brought her a Snickers candy bar and a pack of Dentyne chewing gum, for every holiday she got a Whitman's Sampler or sometimes the Russel Stovers sampler and every Valentine's day he wrote her a love poem. She supported his ministry and teaching careers and followed wherever God led him supporting and encouraging him, serving alongside him in the various churches, and taking care of the home front and the 4 kids while he went to school for multiple degrees and worked multiple full time jobs, they had some tough times but they were always happy, they were always kind to one another, they never raised their voices or blamed or ignored each other. In sixty-three wedded years the only nights they were ever apart were when he was in military training and when he preached a revival and couldn't leave with her when my aunt almost died. Everything was done in love and respect and according to Biblical principals and that common bond and common measurement by which they both made decisions made coming to agreements much easier for them.
I want that, I've always wanted that. Of all the men I've dated "Nate" came the closest to being able to fulfill that role. He thought I was a strong woman, maybe too strong for him, or so he thought. It takes a strong woman to be able to submit, a weak one gives in too easily or stands up for the wrong things but I strong woman recognizes it's her strength that holds him up when his strength is gone. She knows when to give and when to take and sometimes does either when she doesn't want to because she knows when it is necessary. That advice was given to me by my grandmother. A strong woman realizes it isn't about being "right" in the eyes of her husband but in being right in the eyes of God. Likewise a man who is truly a spiritual leader will head her intuition and consider her feelings before making a final decision.
"Nate" and I both said we wanted the same thing, both of us very passionate about this desire for a Godly marriage and home. We had an incredible amount of commonalities, never argued, had fun, laughed and cried together, loved each others friends and families, and were great friends but somehow for him the grass was greener across someone else's fence. This is another issue we face today, praying for something then when God gives us exactly what we've been asking Him for we send it back and ask for something "better" or different. We have been raised in a Burger King society, "have it your way, right away", if they don't have it right now the place across the street will. So we carry this into relationships, we want the total package, we dissect and pick apart everything about a person looking for reasons not to accept them, ignoring all the while that God may have brought them to us for a reason. Sometimes the things we use as an excuse to dismiss someone as a possibility may be the exact reason we need them in our life. God didn't create us to complete each other, but to compliment each other. I wondered in my particular situation how it seemed as though God was screaming at me that this was the one He created just for me, answering my prayers with definitive exact answers and in such profound ways but how "Nate" apparently wasn't getting the same messages. I wondered if he was praying what God wanted for us and if so was he listening or was he just not ready for what he knew God was telling him. I can name time after time I asked God to show me something VERY specific, something I needed to see in him, something I needed to hear him say, a bizarre hour of the day or night that I needed reassurance and just asked God to hear his voice and the phone would randomly ring at a time he normally would not be calling. Multiple times I wanted to see him and one particular time I was having something done and prayed so hard for God to work it out for him to be there with me, for me, without me having to ask... the morning before this procedure when he went outside someone had removed all four wheels from his car, this event was the reason he was there with me the next morning and even for the next several days afterward which was above and beyond what I had asked of God. Another time at work I had been missing him, knew I might not see him for a few days and just whispered to God how I wished I could see him and the next service call we were sent over thirty minutes out of our district to service a customer and since we drive within a mile of his apartment were able to stop for about fifteen minutes. When I got back in the truck I again prayed to God and just said that wasn't enough time and that I needed reassurance in what God was showing me and that more time with him sure would be nice. The last call of the night brought us again over thirty minutes out of our district and again right by his exit. On the way back in, at his exit our truck broke down. I carry a spare toothbrush, and a spare uniform in my car at the depot, I was able to stay with him and ride into work with a coworker who liven in a neighboring apartment to his and my co-driver went back in with the truck. These are just a couple examples and I know what God has shown me, how He has shown me and what He has promised me. I have no idea how long it will take. Sometimes I think the reason all the dates I am going on suck is because God just wants me to sit back and be patient, I know God has used these past few months and my broken heart to mold and grow me in profound ways. Maybe He is just telling me to wait so He can finish His work in "Nate" and in me and prepare us to have this kind of relationship before He brings him back to me. Other times I am tired of waiting and I get lonely but it's always something. It isn't just an "it doesn't feel right" thing with these guys either, it's giant red flags, no contenders... "Christian" men who don't struggle with guilt or conscience over the physical and some who wear the label and immediately elude to physical and sexual behavior and when you shut it down you never hear from them again. It never fails I keep praying about it and God keeps showing me, reinforcing to me to hang in there and not give up.
My point to all of this is not just about myself and "Nate" but that I know it is possible and that there are a few good men out there who feel the same way about us women as we do about them. They want to be respected, not tempted, sometimes we learn this the hard way, because we are able to seduce them just as easily if not more so than they us and it won't "feel right" when you hug or kiss if you know you're about to push the envelope if you have the voice of God whispering in your heart convicting you it is wrong. Something to consider is when something doesn't "feel right" it isn't necessarily about the person, it is about the action, the timing, or the situation so don't proclude someone for the wrong reasons but also don't settle for less than you know God desires for you.
Pray, be aware, listen, and be prepared to move your feet when God points you in the right direction, don't justify, just do, go, follow, wherever and to whomever God is leading you.
I was originally going to title this post "Today's Men" but when I began to write I realize that the reason men act the way they do is because as women we let them or worse encourage them and then wonder why they treat us the way they do and show us, our dreams, values, and bodies with so little respect. The hardest lesson I have had to learn this year, is if I want my grandparents marriage, if I want a man who has the character and integrity of my grandfather, I must also have the same character and integrity of my grandmother. Maybe it sounds "old-fashioned" but there's a reason those marriages lasted... They were founded on commonalities, not hormones, they fell in love, not in lust and they knew and shared the same priorities. I want what they had. I know it's possible because I've seen it.
Pray, be still, quiet, and listen, ask Him to show you specific things and watch for them, don't live in denial, don't justify, just do. Set boundaries, raise your standards and be the standard you expect to see in others. You can resist and argue with God but it's just going to take Him that much longer to meet your needs and give you the desires of your heart. This is true not just in dating but in careers, parenting, and all areas of life.
I hope you got something out of this, maybe just another perspective on an old issue.
God bless!
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